Change rooms and mirrors and all that stuff

I was trying on some clothes today at a second hand shop, and suddenly i got so scared and upset, i normally avoid my reflection but i got transfixed in the mirror and could not take my eyes away.
I was so disgusted by what i saw looking back at me in my bra and underwear.
I came out of the change room (without trying on all the clothes) and was close to tears, my mum kept saying that my eating disorder was tricking me but i have never looked in the mirror before and seen my self as fatter than i really was.
I saw me.
I used to think the mirror was lying because i could not be as thin as what i saw there because i could feel my body and it felt way bigger.
Everything about me i hated, and not just physical aspects, but i need to get myself out of this cycle not liking what i look like is one thing but to not like the person i am because of it, is horrible.

I am more than what i look like, I am me and i am okay with that.

Sadly as much as i say that, in my heart i still feel horrible, and i can not even place my mind on what is making me feel this way.

I love you all, with all my heart

A bump in the road?

I really do not want to go to new zealand, i will get home sick one month is a long time to be away from home.
I will miss my dad, my dog, even my totally evil cat.
I will miss the comfort of feeling safe in a house, our house.
I will miss going on blogger and talking to all you wonderful girls.
I am going to miss my "safe" foods at home.
I am scared seeing my family as last time i saw them...
I looked like this.
I am afraid of what they will think.
I felt so strong last time i was there everyone was worrying about me and i loved it.
I went to so many family functions with food and sat around watching everyone eat, it felt so good.
I remember at my aunties wedding my mum asked me to get my Great Grandfather a bowl of ice cream, i walked back with it and everyone was looking at me with looks like "thank god, she is eating" to which i say out really loudly "here is your bowl of ice cream" and handed it to my great grandfather, i could not handle them even thinking i was going to eat, i mean, really i was better than that.
I remember a lot and that's the problem as much as all these things should be negatives to ever go back to that state again, there is still part of my mind that sees that as heaven on earth.
I am going to go to New zealand though, i am going to eat some foods that are "unsafe", I am going to have fun and I am going to keep moving forwards.
Only 6 more days before i leave.

Beyond Muesli: Blueberry Blackberry Acai
The best thing to ever grace my bowl came around this morning, It was so good that words could not explain it.
Blueberries have yet to fail me.

Dear Anorexia

Dear Anorexia

I have walked through the last few years in your shadow hiding in the dark not allowing anyone to see me.

I have trusted the words you have filled my head with and denied trust to all others that only wanted the best for me.

I listened to you when you told me nobody else really loved me, that my parents were just waiting till i was older to rid themselves of me forever.

You made me believe that everyone was ganging up on me because they were jealous that I was in complete control and they could never have the will power you gave me.

You promised me love and happiness and showed me nothing but pain.

You made me hate myself more than War, poverty and child abuse.

My life had been filled with unrealistic requirements you have put upon me.

You know what? You never cared about me, you just wanted control.

You were never the best friend I thought you were, you have always been my worst enemy, I was just too weak and brainwashed to see it!

I am not weak anymore.

I no longer look up to you like you are a superstar.

I now see you as the disease you have always been and no longer view you as the goddess of perfection i once thought you were.

I am now stronger than you so there is no point in trying to push your way back into my head.

Leave me alone, leave all these wonderful girls (and boys) alone.

Anorexia you have lived your last days, i hope it was fun for you because it certainly was no fun for me.

Goodbye Forever!
This is the holiday season, time to spend time with our friends and family.

Jealousy

Jealousy

These are the things I wish for

The things I can never have

My head burning of jealousy

My face just showing a smile

I know, I could’ve had it

I know, I always could

Yet now I can’t touch it

Even if things change

This is the thing I want

What I want with all my heart

But I know I only want it

Because I know it can’t be mine

This happens all the time

Then once it’s within arms reach

I desire something else

I wrote this poem last year, I feel bad reading over it but it was how i felt, He was my friend, she was also his friend.

They started going out and i started liking him.

I am so scared of getting hurt it seems like i only ever go after what i know i can not have.

I know i can not live my life in fear as i am so scared of people hurting or leaving me.

I have to fight though this fear and remember its okay to accept love and happiness, Ed has no say in this.

I am scared of being alone but the fear of being hurt overrides this fear big time.

I love you all, you deserve to be loved and treated with respect by everyone including yourselves. Allow happiness into your life and accept all the love that is given to you.

You are beautiful

Yah for bars that cost $2 for three, i am one lucky girl. (don't mind the upside down one, FAIL)

Amazing, Aerosmith

It's amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light.
It's amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright.
It's amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.

My words exactly, they could have not put them better.

I am so a child!

Today i volunteered at the preschool i did work experience at because school is out and i loved it when i did work experience there.
I was so surprised to see that any of the children there remembered me at all and i had the best fun.
I played all day and loved every minute of it, it was so nice, i love getting the privilege to do fun stuff like that, just to take the day off and play with children was some of the best fun.
My day consisted really on talking about some of my favorite movies (okay and a lot of talking about puppy dogs too) with 5 year old children, so innocent and sweet. I truly hope life never pushes them around and hurts them in anyway.

"The human mind always makes progress, but it is a progress in spirals."

Everyday we learn and grow, the process it not always fast and can become twisted along the way. Remember though that you are all wonderful people and everyone of you is so special.

on the first day of chritmas my true love gave to me

I failed my maths exam, i am so sad and upset with myself. I got 39% and failed big time, My teacher told me that i have passed maths as a subject but doing general maths next year seems so much scarier now, i know i can do anything i put my heart to, but failing will break my heart so much.
I want to do maths next year, i have never been good at it, but i figured it would help keep my options open. I will be doing maths next year though and despite it not being my best subject, i am going to put in all I have and be proud of whatever i achieve as long as i know i tried my best.

"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."

I did have Cake and Pizza for my sister's birthday with as little as a peep of ed talking (out loud) and then went to the living room after the cake and laughed and had fun.
Ed was not going to make me wallow in self pity because i had to eat a piece of chocolate cake.

Today marks the first day i saw my chiropractor, i saw her again today and she spoke about how far i have come using weights, I freaked out she was like "when you first came here you were only XXkgs and now you have made it so far and in a year you have reached a healthy XXkgs" I would have freaked out at this comment in the past, but i realize that my weight at the moment it nothing to be ashamed of, its healthy and i should be proud of it and that is what she was trying to say.
Ed can try to twist her words but i know she only means the best.
Ultra Bran: soy and linseed

My mum told me to try it mixed in with other muesli but i thought it looked like it would taste good on its own and despite its less than average appearance it was a very tasty muesli indeed.
Next time around i may do some mixing but it certainly is very good not mixed as well.
I am very happy so far with my winnings.

just posting because i miss it.

I have been super duper busy lately, and have not been around a computer long enough to get around to posting to you all, i have tried my hardest to keep up though, i shall be getting around to reading soon.
School is out in three days, so i shall have plenty of time to post and comment before, i go to new Zealand for a month to visit family.

I very much enjoyed surfing, i ate out and bought a chicken burger, it was stressful choosing. My mind was trying to find the lowest calorie option, but in the end i knew what i needed. So i choose something that sounded nice (was far from it though).

Anyway, i wish you all the best and sending big hugs your way.

I am out to celebrate my sister's 13th birthday, with Pizza and chocolate mud cake, believe it or not...i choose to believe it, since i can achieve anything i put my mind to therefore pizza and cake have nothing on me.

I love you all

Comparing

Me and my sister got back our exam results today and i got in the car first and told my mum mine, which i was very proud of at the time. Cue Caitlin getting in and sharing her exam results which were much higher that mine with some of the in the 95% range even.
Cue me comparing myself, thinking i will never make anything out of myself, bursting into tears and making my sister feel bad about her accomplishments.

I could not help it, this year i have tried harder and done the best in school i ever have, and she always is better and as hard as i try it always hurts so bad.
She is smarter than me, more creative, more popular, cuter and it seems like the list never stops.

Ed stopped in for a visit reminded me i had one thing before that made me "better" than her, which caused me to relive the "glory" days when i weighed less that her, she could beat me up and i was weaker than her but i weighed less than her and it was the only time i have ever felt like i was better than her at anything.

I am crying as i type this and i truly apologize for this downer of a post, but i don't want to hide my feelings i would prefer to release them and send them away.
My sister is an amazing person, and i truly only want the best for her, so for me to feel these emotions scares me quite at bit, i feel so bad for how i feel.

Review time

I enjoyed this lovely muesli this morning and have to say i was not that impressed when i opened the box, with more corn flake looking cereal than rolled oats (which in my opinion have to be heavily present to make a good muesli) but i must say i was very happily surprised, it was perfectly crunchy and sweet and seemed to have the right mix of everything, i would rate it very highly, it was great.


and to end i would like to thank you all for your comments, you are all such bright stars, no words could express, how nice you are.

Now i guess its time to pack for my overnight surfing camp with school.

Reason 501, why life is better without ed: I get to go out, as my parents trust me. Trust is a wonderful thing.

Now the party don't start till i walk in

Sorry guys, i feel bad for my lack of posts but i was out this weekend celebrating one of my best friends eighteenth birthday.
She lives in Sale, so it required me catching a V line train to get there but it was so worth it.
I got to meet Some new and absolutely beautiful people, who were friends of her's that i had not meet before and i had so much fun.

To start off I know this may sound weird but, at the part a guy hit on me..yes he was very drunk and i did not even realize he was until my friends told me but, i have never been hit on before so despite the fact he was hitting on everyone, woohoo may i say, it helped my confidence a bit at least.

Okay now here is the bit that ed liked but i was very annoyed by, one of my friends keep on commenting on how much i eat She said things like "Wow, you eat alot" "Do you ever, stop eating" "is all you do is eat?" These comments i just shrugged off, i knew i eat alot but it doesn't bother me much...well sometimes it does but its all good.
Then on the train back she said to me just after i had finished eating my apple for lunch "Can you please stop eating, the amount you eat makes me feel sick" I just laughed awkwardly and reached down to eat something else to eat "No i am serious, its quite disgusting" I just looked at her and held back the tears before, forcing a smile and saying that i am just taking care of my body. That may just have been the perfect time for ed to take over, but i know what my body needs, she has no idea whatsoever, i am taking care of my body and she is not going to give any strength to ed, to help him take over.

All in all though it was a great Weekend, very exciting and enjoyable, made new friends and danced the night away sober of course.
This is the dress, i sewed for my friend for her birthday, she loved it, and i can't wait to show you guys what it looks like on her.

Up and Go, my supper of champions while away.


Part of my breakfast, ed may have kicked up a storm not wanting to eat 500 calories in the form of a bar, but it was easy so it was an obvious choice (though it made me feel pretty sick, so i am thinking, its not a obvious choice anymore)

Take Care by dearies, all my love and best wishes